The hero of hurricane Rita: Bob Ross

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I’m certain most of you recognize the guy in the photo. He’s Bob Ross, from the PBS series The Joy of Painting, a show I’m sure he’d still be hosting were he not dead.

You’ve likely happened upon Bob while channel surfing, his breathy, lilting voice and easy demeanor instantly captivating you, somehow lulling you into viewing a program on a channel you hadn’t watched since your Sesame Street days; back when we only had two or three channels at best.

A few minutes later, you’re saying to yourself “I can’t believe I’m still watching this” while glancing over your shoulder to make sure no one has entered the room. It’s kind of like listening to John Denver. You’d do so in your car by yourself but damn sure wouldn’t around your running buddies. I suspect a whole lot more people have watched this guy than would admit it. A half hour later, still hypnotized, you’re sad to see Bob sign off.

Why? It’s a crazy world, that’s why. Or at least it seems to be. If we aren't worrying about something, we worry that we've forgotten about something we NEED to be worrying about. A lot is happening all at once and, due to relentless media sensationalism, all of it is BAD.

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Amongst the fray, sticking out like- well, like a white guy with an afro- is Bob Ross. Watching his show is akin to being on a Lithium drip. He’s the closest one can get to true relaxation without chasing a handful of Xanax with a bottle of Tequila. He doesn’t talk politics, natural disasters, war, terrorism, or the price of gas. He’ll be damned if any of it is going to harsh his mellow. I get the distinct impression Bob couldn’t give a shit, period.

Other than the fact that he can crank one out in the space of 30 minutes, his Target housewares section-style paintings don’t exactly inspire awe but that isn’t the point. What’s impressive about Bob is that he’s utterly content having his second rate- even for PBS- TV show, splattering a “happy little cloud” or “happy little tree” onto his next hotel room painting while the rest of us are sweating our house note, our investments, retirement, children, school shootings, chemical attacks, the apocalypse, etc. He seems to possess what the rest of us are working ourselves to death trying to acquire: blissful serenity.

Cut to last Saturday. I’m sitting in my house as the eye of hurricane Rita is overhead. The predictions of the last three days are ringing in my ears “. . . 25 inches of rain.” The cable service goes out, taking the internet with it, so I’m flipping through what’s left trying to get storm updates, thinking about what color the new carpet is going to be and there he is: Bob Ross.

I couldn’t tell you whether it was God, a message from beyond from Bob himself, or coincidence but I got the point just the same. Relax, calm down. Don’t worry so damn much. The world is overwhelmingly GOOD and SAFE. The roof held up, the water didn’t rise, and the ol’girl’s crape myrtles just got in the way whenever I mowed, anyway.

After his show ended, I rode out the rest of the storm with my son in his playroom. He seemed to be as utterly unconcerned about the storm as Bob was, so long as he could keep on pushing his Thomas the Train around the track and the Yoo Hoo held out. Hell, what else do you really need?

Good call, Baldilocks!!!

Dumbass of the Month Nominee #6: Representative Christopher Shays, (R) Connecticut

A few posts ago I penned the line “I’m no Republican hack,” after bashing a string of idiots who happen to be affiliated with the Democratic Party. Face the facts, there isn’t a shortage of them in that group. Anyway, I explained that the Dumbass of the Month contest accepts applications and nominates ANYONE who qualifies. There is no Affirmative Action or other discriminatory policy on THIS blog!
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With that theme in mind, I’d like to welcome our first Republican Dumbass of the Month nominee: Christopher Shays, Congressman from Connecticut. Congressman Shays has authored a bill that will force states to include PETS in their evacuation plans or have their FEMA funding revoked. Yes, you read that correctly!
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Other than Walter Mondale’s bid against Ronald Reagan, this could quite possibly be the dumbest undertaking that I’ve ever heard of. I won’t even bother to point out that this bill is unconstitutional because of the 10th amendment, States’ Rights; that amendment your social studies teacher (likely a Pinko) took great pains to avoid teaching when/if you ever covered the constitution in school. Not that it matters, we’ve forsaken the 10th amendment for so long and so often that any violation doesn’t even garner attention anymore. All those federal laws- seatbelts, helmets, drinking age, smoking age, that have been accompanied with the threat “Enforce it or we yank funding for _______” are illegal, completely against the law of the land. Believe it or not, there was once vehement opposition to constitutional violations of this type- the most notable is called the Civil War. No matter which side you think won or lost, the 10th amendment was a casualty- hence, we now live in more of a “bureaucracy” than a “democracy.”
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I digress. As with most bureaucracies, those in charge seem to believe that if they get it on paper, it will magically happen- the best and most recent example being New Orleans where government officials failed to execute the very evacuation plans they put into place themselves. They all showed up to start a lemonade stand then sat around and waited for someone else to bring the damn lemons.

"I cannot help but wonder how many more people could have been saved had they been able to take their pets," Rep. Tom Lantos, D-California, said. This is one of congressman Shay’s fellow bill sponsors and partner in stupidity. Exactly what type of Holly Hobby, skip around the maypole under the rainbow world does this guy live in?

Call me harsh, cold, evil, or ugly but if you choose your pet’s life over your own then you deserve whatever happens to you. That’s Darwinism. I’ll say it if no one else will: if you are dumb enough to die with your pet rather than save your own life, we don’t need you around and probably never did. Good riddance to the both of you! There is no room for a bleeding heart in a life or death situation. Is it me or should we figure out how to get the HUMANS out FIRST?!
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Now I don’t want to mislead anyone- I’ll leave that to the media- this nitwit is only talking about evacuation, NOT rescue. He did divulge that, in the event of a rescue- say, a guy dangling from a helicopter to pull someone to safety- you’re going to make it into the chopper but your cat is on its own.
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Not that the initial proposal isn’t ridiculous enough. Think of the situation: you’re on a bus bound for who knows where, You haven’t slept in days, you don’t know if you’ll have a home in a week, you don’t know where the rest of your family is, there are screaming babies, drug addicts, rapists, various and sundry criminals of all makes and models. Add to that explosive cacophony a barking dog, a screeching parrot, a stinky guinea pig or other rodent, snakes, lizards, pigs or any other animal some nut job has deemed their pet. Imagine looking into your child’s car seat and seeing a boa constrictor wrapped around its neck or some guy’s pit bull using your baby for a chew toy. Just what you’d need in that situation, right?
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If you’d like to wonder about how silly this will get- and trust me, it will- think about what’s coming down the pike. We’ll soon be responsible for the pets of prisoners while they are fulfilling their sentences, ambulances will have to make provisions for carting pets along with dying owners in the meat wagon, workplaces will have to allow pets, they will be allowed in restaurants, stores, and movie theaters. If we don't get out of the business of accomodating morons, the whole damn place will turn into one big litter box!
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