.
Spacoli to the rescue! God help us all.

.

Go back to Hollywood, shit for brains.

.

The collapse of the Soviet Union remains the perfect large-scale example of why the liberal/communist philosophy is doomed to failure. Last week Sean Penn, albeit within a smaller framework, entertained us all with his own pathetic, impish example of a liberal in action.

.

Getting some face time was, no doubt, the real reason he planned this little publicity tour. It's anyone's guess how much money he went through getting himself and his whole entourage all the way to Louisiana. It's also anyone's guess how much more good that money could've done in the hands of professionals trained for this sort of thing but hell, a cash contribution to a charitable oranization would've left him with a mere tax right off. No disaster is complete without a shameless self-promoting celebrity on a glory grabbing ego trip.

..

What Sean needed was a few nice 8 x 10 glossies of himself rescuing a refugee child- preferably black, preferably female- for his agent who in turn could see to it they ended up on the front page of newspapers and magazines across the country. Maybe even- dare we dream- he could score a spot on Oprah where the video he produced of himself would be played, the one with the violins playing in the background as Oprah narrates, while the show's cameraman zooms in for a close up: teary-eyed, brow furrowed, chin jutting, head high, lip quivering. His practiced "introspective look."

.

Still in all, I don't doubt that this boob-ass had good intentions. The problem is when you mix a natural catastrophe, high emotions, a low I. Q., and a pampered actor you end up with a recipe for disaster. The rescuer soon becomes the rescuee, as is often the case when one employs the preferred liberal problem solving method of acting upon feelings rather than facts. The result is a dull-witted, if well meaning, celebrity doing a real life Wile E. Coyote imitation, except with a boat strapped to his ass rather than an ACME rocket. No matter, the result was the same.

.

I'm betting Sean bitched about the federal response as loudly as anyone. While he couldn't manage to keep one jon boat out of the bayou he expected George Bush to have a convoy of vehicles, thousands of troops, hundreds of aircraft, and an armada of ships in place within hours. I hope he's at least learned this lesson: not as easy as it looks, is it Mr. Soggy Guccis? The guy said, "boat plug" not "butt plug," jackass. I don't even want to think about where the thing ended up. Anyway, we're all hoping you stay humble for a while.

.

Why no Dumbass of the Month nomination? Simple: this idiot is too easy a target. I like a little competition; poking fun at those who have some sort of mechanism with which they can defend themselves. Nominating this moron is parallel to clubbing a baby seal.

.

At least it was all harmless. The only changed opinion that I hold about Sean Penn as a result is that I now no longer believe his character in I am Sam, the one where he plays the retard, was that much of a stretch after all. Hell, it was the first time I've laughed in a week and the hardest I've laughed since I can remember.

.

Seriously though, you need to stay out of the way. Go back to Beverly Hills before the bayou eats your coddled candy ass alive.

.